is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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