so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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