Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
