woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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