I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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