Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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