You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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