at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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