This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the condom got lost in my hair
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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