party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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