Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
