Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My room smells like vodka and shame
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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