I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
