I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
