I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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