end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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