How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
