I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
