toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
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And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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