What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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