i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
