It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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