her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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