I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
