My room smells like vodka and shame
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
