I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
