I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
