I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
