saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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