I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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