its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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