he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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