Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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