he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just want to make out with him forever
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
