hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm like, not good at living.