You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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