It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
