I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
