I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
