Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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