watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
