I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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