Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
