I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
