I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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