Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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