Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
