I faked an abortion last night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
