the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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