he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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