Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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