i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
