She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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