i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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