He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
