I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
