party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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