The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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