i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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