he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
