Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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