Apparently you make a good broom.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
