i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
